women's self-help book reviews

The Technique of the Love Affair by A Gentlewoman is a modern (and by modern I mean 1928!) guidebook on love, with all the techniques to employ and pitfalls to avoid throughout the “love affair” up to and including marriage. Before reading this book, I might have said that love does not need tricks and techniques or rules. Now I say this book is a gem, because in reading it I see clearly all the mistakes I have made repeatedly in my many years of naïve singledom. Dorothy Parker said it better in her 1928 review in The New Yorker, “The Technique of the Love Affair makes, I am bitterly afraid, considerable sense. If only it had been placed in my hands years ago, maybe I could have been successful instead of just successive.”

Sure, there are more contemporary books of the sort. The Rules, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, He’s Just Not That Into You, etc. However, until recently I had largely dismissed this entire sub-genre of self-help books, holding on at length to idealistic feminist notions that “The Rules” couldn’t possibly be the rules, that men and women are really not all that different, and that while it may not seem like he’s that into me, I’m so into him that he’s bound to come around! I probably just need to try harder!

The Technique of the Love Affair, originally written anonymously by Doris Langley Moore, came back into print in 1999 in a new edition including notes and commentary by Norrie Epstein that add historical perspective and relate literary, psychology and pop culture examples from our contemporary times back to the Victorian era preceding the book.

The book is written in a delightful faux Platonic dialogue in which expert Cypria counsels naïve Saccharissa on how to be successful in love. It is entertaining as well as informative, and convincing in its truth and relevance even today. Cypria continually reminds us why we need this book; because men are the natural pursuers, they are at so much of an advantage in the whole courtship game that we women need all the technique we can muster.

So what are some of these magic techniques? One example of Cypria’s advice is to be generous with words, but not actions, meaning that when you are with a man, you should be delightful and flattering, so he will feel that you like him, but in your actions you should not be so available that he thinks you want him badly. You can never seem more interested than he is, because it is your slight elusiveness that will make him chase. He must always have some doubt in his mind as to your interest. Therefore, never ever ask when you will see him again! Tell him you had a lovely time, but act completely unconcerned whether you will ever see him again.

Cultivating the attention of other men also helps because, as Cypria says, a man wants someone whom he sees other men want. Such attention (whether perceived or real) always increases your “prestige”, a term meaning general desirability. Cypria discusses prestige in detail, including what qualities most influence it (ex. physical beauty, no surprise there) and which are nearly irrelevant (domestic abilities, virtuous character – while he may appreciate these qualities further into your relationship, they play almost no role in your initial success).

Relating to physical beauty, a man likes when you look different from him, so you will be more successful if you wear feminine clothes and make-up. However, a man also doesn’t want to think he is shallow, so he’ll deny that these matter. Cypria’s sage advice: “All through a love affair you are in danger of believing what the average man tells you about his taste in women, and modeling yourself upon it, when it is really the very reverse of what he feels. Because he thinks he ought to like this and dislike that, he will frequently convince himself that he positively does so. But you must not believe him simply because he believes himself.

“For example, his code of ethics keeps reminding him that he ought not to fall in love with a woman merely because she is pretty, and soft, and scented, and exquisitely attired, and flattering; and that it would be nobler of him to succumb only to goodness, and common-sense, and domesticity. So he tells you that looks are nothing to him, and that what he likes is character. ‘You needn’t bother to dress up for me’ he says.”

But allowing yourself to believe him would be a tactical error, says Cypria. Epstein’s note adds evidence: “A prominent marriage counselor, writing in the late 1940s, echoed this sentiment, citing – of all things – a survey of potential car buyers taken by Chrysler Corporation after World War II. Most of them said they wanted a car that was economical, practical, and easy to park, and that appearance was inconsequential. Chrysler produced a modest-looking, smaller Plymouth. The model bombed. At the same time General Motors introduced a powerful, flashy, gas-guzzling Buick. It sold well. The conclusion of car manufacturers (and marriage counselors): People will tell you what they think they should like, not what they really want.”

Well, how about that. It reminds me of the old saying, surely applicable when it comes to men and in knowing where you stand with one, “Actions speak louder than words.” For no nonsense love advice that is historically interesting and fun to read, this book is a winner.